To
say that 2019 was a year of change, would be a gross understatement. I do
believe that change is constant and our adaptability to it is a big part of
what shapes our reality. However, it’s a little extreme when your entire sense
of self shifts.
I
had to stop working in June because of debilitating pain in my spine, being
unstable on my feet, and not being able to see clearly out of my right eye.
Now,
for a normal person, any one of those things on their own would likely be
enough to give them pause. For me, I had suffered with the first two for a very
long time as they steadily got worse. It wasn’t until I could no longer work
around the last item that I contacted the company I subcontracted from and told
them I needed to stop. I told them I thought my brain tumor might be back.
The
fact that I would have heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, and sobbing
anxiety meltdowns every time I had to leave for a job, never seemed like a
valid excuse to make a change. It wasn’t until I was also unable to see that I
stopped.
As
I sit here today, I am baffled as to why I STILL believe the destruction of my
mental and emotional health is not a valid reason to make a change to my
behavior when it comes to work. Instead, I pushed through the misery, made sure
I didn’t eat, carefully scheduled out my days to the minute, and cried in the
car. And I made myself do the work, even though at the end of the day, it wasn’t
even a living wage. Or even minimum wage.
The
progression from optometrist, to neurologist, to spine surgeon was relatively
quick.
The
good news is that my brain tumor seems to be stable. The bad news is that back
pain I’ve had forever, the grinding in my spine, the shooting leg pain, the
tremors I would have to stretch out, are because I have no discs left L2 and
down. Words like “degenerative disc disease,” and “root nerve compression”
started to be thrown around. I learned about EMG tests and how many of the
things I’ve lived with – and mentioned to medical professionals – for years,
were not normal.
I
has surgery on my spine in November to try and save function in my leg. There’s
nothing to be done for the rest of my spine.
I
will never have improved function in my spine. Right now is as good as it gets.
The only thing to be done is try to preserve what I have left. It’s scary. I
think about all the hard labor I’ve done over the years while my back screamed
in pain and I pushed through it because that’s what you’re supposed to do, and
I shudder.
In
January this year, I shoveled my driveway because no one else would do it. No
matter how much I explained that I shouldn’t do it because I fall over, because
I can’t grip a shovel with my broken hand, because it kills my back, because I
have been expressly told on several occasions that I SHOULD NOT SHOVEL SNOW. I
couldn’t get any help. And if the snow didn’t get moved, I was going to be
snowed in for quite some time. So I shoveled snow. It hurt so much. By the time
I had to stop, I could barely move. I spent most of the next two weeks laying
down. That’s probably when I herniated the disc in my back. But that wasn’t
enough to send me to a doctor.
So
much of my energy has been wrapped up in my health, it feels like I haven’t
been able to do much else. I’ve been working on disability paperwork, and
trying to find work that my health will allow. It’s a very long process. The
mental adjustment is probably harder.
I
don’t want to be disabled. It feels like self-pity. I know it isn’t, but that’s
the struggle between knowing things intellectually, and accepting them
emotionally.
In
the midst of this, a few other things happened in my life. A partner I pined
for over the course of a decade, ended up being not who I thought they were.
Letting go of that idea was devastating. I also lost a very close friendship. I
cried over that for months. My ex-husband started legal action against me
barely seven months after our divorce was finalized.
It
feels selfish to complain. In the last month and a half, close friends of mine
have suffered unimaginable tragedies so I shouldn’t talk, right?
But
that’s not how life works. We all have our own individual struggles. We can all
have horrible things happen to us, all at the same time. In the end, isn’t that
what life is all about?
Year-end
recaps always struck me as odd. Who can keep track of all these things? I can’t
remember what I did this morning let alone what books I read in April. This year
felt different because of the over arcing difficulty of my health. I don’t know
what 2020 will look like. I assume I’ll spend a lot of time trying to figure
out what my life is going to look like. You’re all welcome to come along for
the ride.
