It’s hard to not feel like the rug gets pulled out as soon as you start to gain your footing. Of course, if you didn’t have a semblance of footing, it wouldn’t matter so much if the rug moves? I don’t know.
The dust should be settling soon. I’m hesitant to say things are better, because that is just inviting disaster.
I do think that the most important thing in all of these trials, is that I keep getting up. I keep on trying. I’ll continue to try as long as I need to because the alternative is untenable.
Trying to balance all aspects of my life seems a fool’s errand most days. In fact, the very concept is a farce. I don’t know that “balance” exists. I’m always bouncing from one crisis to the next and yes, that is an unsustainable model, but when you’re one person with overwhelming responsibilities, it leaves little wiggle room.
Perhaps if I had a more traditional background: a spouse, an extended family. As it is, I have no village, but I have some of the most challenging parenting situations possible. Asking me to find a balance in that storm is cruel.
However, it was recently brought to my attention that I am also a person. Just like any other person. Perhaps that means I get a moment. A moment to be imperfect. A moment to need help. The smallest of human concessions.
In that light, maybe I can chisel away at the foundation of chaos. A small moment to be intentional with my time could break the cycle. Perhaps I could learn to breathe again.
Me: And if I’m refinishing the cabinets – just some trim to make them more like Shaker cabinets, they’re solid cabinets – I should really just put in the bench seating on the north end of the kitchen
Friend: So you can’t put beans in the crock pot because then you’d have to remodel the whole kitchen?
I’ve started keeping track of what I’m watching again. I don’t know, it’s fun for whatever reason. Therefore, I should share it with everyone!
IDK it’s worth a shot.
I like listening to low stakes shows like cooking competitions while I’m working on art projects, paperwork or I just need to pretend to have human contact. My therapist also made me stop watching press conferences on CNN so I had to sub in something… I love some standup when I need a distraction from generalized despair, or when I’m having fun. When I have the time and the spoons, I love both “bad” and great movies. Generally speaking, if I start a movie, I’ll finish it. However, if I don’t like a show, I’ll just stop.
SHOWS
Master Chef
Sons of Anarchy
Master Chef Junior
Jayde Adams: Serious Black Jumper
Bob The Drag Queen: Suspiciously Large Woman
Worst Cooks in America
Archive 81
Devs
The Witcher
Bumping Mics with Jeff Ross and Dave Attell
Shadow and Bone
Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous
Aziz Ansari: Nightclub Comedian
Leslie Jones: Problem Child
Abbott Elementary
MOVIES
Observe and Report
Gunpowder and Milkshakes
Jolt
snatch
The House
Long Story Short
Dark Shadows 2012
Deja Vu
Acts of Vengeance
Level 16
For the first time, I started keeping track of creative projects that I’ve finished as well. It’s hard for me because I feel like I never get enough art done. I know I work on things, but it can be hard to gauge how much I actually finish. So I started a list of creative projects I’ve finished as well. It really helped me see that I do a lot more than I thought!
I admit, I’m at a loss. I know I need to promote myself, put my work out in front of people. No one can buy my work if they don’t know it exists. But the process of putting everything together and promoting somehow feels overwhelming.
So I am trying. I am taking a step. I don’t know what it looks like, but I’m trying.
I started a list of projects I’ve finished to help me remember that I am actually making progress, that I’m putting in the work. So far this year I’ve finished 3 paintings, and 2 craft projects. I’ve worked on seven others that are in various stages of completion.
I’ve shared some of those with a few friends, but that’s all. I should probably cast a wider net if I want to actually do something with all of these things I make.
Imposter syndrome, anxiety monster, negative core beliefs, generalized despair – whatever it is, I’m trying to fight my way through.
My series of goddess photographs was almost entirely derailed by the pandemic, but even ones I was largely prepared for didn’t quite make it to the deadline somehow. I photographed Gaia last summer in anticipation of posting it on the summer solstice this year, but I didn’t quite make it. I saw it in my calendar last week and tried to budget enough time to get the image ready, but it didn’t work out. And that’s okay. I’m still really excited to share it with ya’ll. There are only so many spoons to be had.
I know we all agree that this is not the totalitarian nightmare we signed up for. Personally, I’d hoped to live my whole life without going through… at least 80% of what’s happened in the last year or so.
However, I’ve also had enough therapy to know that we’re supposed to focus on smaller things; things that are within our control. I’m not very good at actually doing that, but I know it can be helpful for some people.
I do a lot of animal rescue work and one of the things I’m in charge of, is helping find intake placement for kittens. We only take orphaned neonatal kittens 6 weeks and under. You’d think that’s such a narrow spectrum that we wouldn’t take in many kittens, but it’s a rather alarming number. I field intake calls every day.
Here’s some good news. So far this month, I’ve helped arrange intake for 52 kittens. That’s so many! I’m so glad I’m able to do this. It helps me focus on something good. Kittens are pure joy and wonderful and better than people pretty much all the time. So yes. I am putting good into the universe in the form of tiny kittens who bring joy to everyone.
I always desperately want to participate in the various themed art challenges that pop up in October. It’s hard to know which ones to choose. It also seems like it requires a lot of research to make sure you’re not following one that was started by an asshole…
Last year I did apprentice witches and that was a lot of fun! This year I thought I’d do landscapes and backgrounds since I suck at them. Not going to get any better unless I practice, right?
Or something
IDK it’s worth a try
My favorite October art theme I ever participated in was ones a friend set up for a list of Queens! I’m still working on that one even though it’s been years. I may be slow, but I’m determined!
